On falling off the positivity ‘wagon’
For the last week or so I’ve been working hard on being a and less using a set of promises (yep that’s my shiny new thing, based on and adapted from the AA card that some members carry) that I make myself every morning. But last Friday I fell off the wagon rather spectacularly. It felt like all my efforts so far had come to nothing because I snapped, fair and square.
The morning started well enough, Little Man woke up just before 6am and I was showered and giving him is milk in plenty of time to get Curly Girl up at 6.45. She dressed quickly (with my help) and we were downstairs starting breakfast by 7.20 – believe me that’s good for us (read this fab post by the lovely Franglaise Mummy for more on long routines).
Then we stalled.
Little Man and I were ready to go by 7.45 (we need to be out the door at 8am). But in the 25 minutes since we’d trooped downstairs Curly Girl had managed to eat just two small squares of toast. To put this into perspective, I’d cut one slice of bread into six squares. She still had to eat the rest of her breakfast and we needed to do shoes, cardigan, coat, brush teeth and get the two of them into the car with all the right school gear. It just wasn’t going to happen.
I don’t know if it’s the panic at being late, my annoyance at her being so slow or Little Man’s absolute refusal to stay still while I changed his nappy and put his coat on that set me off but over the next fifteen minutes my temper rose to boiling point. I snapped. I shouted. At both of them. Little Man’s eyes filled up with tears and and my heart filled with dread. Shouty Mummy was back.
When we arrived at school I sat with Curly Girl and apologised for shouting and explained why I’d gotten so cross. She apologised for being slow and we forgave each other with bear hugs. Little Man didn’t smile at me when I put him back in the car. I’d chipped away at his trust.
I still feel sick to my stomach about losing my cool and while I always knew it would take more than one week’s work to put me back on track it’s a strong reminder that I’m still very much a work in progress. My set of promises is helping but I find it hard to remember in the heat of the moment.
I’m still definitely taking one day at a time.